So my dream of writing a book? I'm doing it. One page at a time. I have 100 pages done. It's only taken two years. One page at a time. An ADHD person like me needs to remember to take small bites. I also need to remember where I left the elephant so when I go back tomorrow I will be able to do it one more time.
I am writing about my travels through childhood abuse, humor, love and trauma. Through the eyes of an ADHD child. Into my quest for self satisfaction which, for me, took the form of multiple marriages, alcoholism and sex addiction. But as I find more and more over the years, sex addiction is not about sex, it's about intimacy. Seeking love and acceptance from the outside because the fear is, I am nothing inside and the terror feels overwhelming.
Over the past eight plus years, I've worked with thousands of women from every walk of life. The female sex addict. What an interesting concept.
What do you see when you hear the words "sex addict?" The guy in the long black trench coat flashing innocent women and children? The pedophile? The man alone at his computer masturbating to porn for hours on end? Yes, these are true images.
What you may not see is the women. Not the sex crazed nymphomaniac that first pops into mind, not very often. What does the female sex addict look like anyway? She may be your neighbor, your co-worker, your blogger, your mom.
I will be getting further into this topic. But for now here is what I want to say; as a recovering sex addict. I know my sickness is based in; Shame. Shame of who I thought I was, not who I truly am. Fear. The fear I'm unworthy of love. Fear that you will see the real me and abandon me. Defensiveness. Feeling the world is attacking me and I am never safe. Black or white. Never knowing how to live in the perfect shades of grey, the shades of moderation.
It is time for a REAL woman with a REAL sex addiction to step forward and tell her story. I am that woman. I made up my mind. in order to heal, and make it safe for other women (and men) to heal, I must be willing to be transparent. If I tell the truth, I make it safe for you to tell the truth.
Sex, flirtation, seduction on so many levels, these were my coping tools. I have put them down. Now it's just me. Raw. You will be seeing more of me, the real me, as time come.