I seem to be in a perpetual state of sadness right now. I am trying to focus on the positive. I am trying to hurry along all the work to get to that better place. I am trying to continue to believe that that better place exists. That place where we can get through an entire day without thinking about ADHD. Each time I begin to feel positive again, something else saddens me. No, I am not depressed. I just find myself feeling so sorry for my little man, Luke, so often these days.So much in his life isn't right at this point and I need to make it better.
Today I thought was going to be different. He was invited to a birthday party for a classmate at the local roller skating rink. Despite the fact that it broke up the day so that I couldn't get much else done, it is very important to me that Luke have the opportunity to build friendships. He was excited about it so I found myself excited about it too.
We got to the rink and the birthday boy's dad came right up and introduced himself and got Luke a pair of skates. We laced them up while he watched his friends skate. Then he stood up for about half a second and then fell back on his butt. We had been skating a time or two before but he was only 5 at the time, undiagnosed, unmedicated. He had done well back then but something was different for him this time.He saw the other boys skating and he was so confused that he couldn't just stand up, go out there, and skate.
He was completely determined. He stood up and stepped off the carpet and onto the rink. I, of course, was right beside him holding his hand. He couldn't stay vertical for even a second. So we got back on the carpet and he skated back and forth there. He fell every foot or two. And, every time he fell, he put his arms down to catch himself. He began to go several feet without holding onto me before falling and I thought he might get the hang of it pretty quick. Then he fell one more time on that same wrist. He was crying on the floor,in a lot of pain,and that was the end of skating for him.
We put his tennis shoes back on and got a bag of ice for his wrist. He sat at a table and cried for a good 15-20 minutes. I was so afraid he had broken his arm. He was finally able to stop crying though and to move it some, he was favoring it and wincing but he was moving it.He did not want to leave the party.
He laid his head down on the table and cried intermittently for the next 30 minutes or so until the other boys came over and sat down for cake. He was so disappointed that he was hurt, that he couldn't participate with the other kids, and that mom, who is supposed to always protect him, let him fall so much (I didn't really "LET" him, I am sure you realize.).
I thought cake time was going to brighten things up for him. No such luck. He scooted in on the bench by the birthday boy... And then the birthday boy wanted someone else to sit by him. Luke fought for his spot he had rightfully claimed but he lost. The other boy climbed over him, still in roller skates, and bashed in his shin with his skate. Injury #2 had occurred.
I told Luke I'd give him one dollar to play video games when the boys went back out to skate . I had offered to help him skate again but he wasn't going to put wheels on his feet again today. I thought a couple video games would take his mind off of it. So we got quarters and he tried a racing machine. Broken. Then he put a quarter in another racing machine. Also, apparently, broken. Then he put his last quarter in a pinball machine to find out it required two quarters. Of course, his eyes welled up with tears and he began to cry again. I went to the staff of the rink but they lease the machines and can't give refunds. Luke just broke down. His heart was broken. Injury #3.
He was ready to go at that point, barely more than half-way through the party. I was certainly ready to stop seeing him hurt. On the way out, he was crying so hard that the girl working at the door reached in her pocket and pulled out two dollars and gave it to him. I tried to tell her we only lost $1 in the machines and it wasn't necessary for her to give him money, but she insisted and I couldn't stand to break his heart more.
We got in the car and started it up. Luke says to me "Mom, if I get invited to another roller skating party, I am not going. I am never going to skate again." My fearless, impulsive little boy was giving up on something forever. That is big.
He decided right away that he wanted to give his sister, Emma, one of his dollars. He has the biggest heart.
He spent the other dollar on a Mountain Dew at the grocery store. I know, "Mountain Dew!?" you say. But I wasn't about to break his heart again. That Mountain Dew was going to make it a little better. I needed that almost as much as he did.
He is still holding his wrist a lot. We'll see how it is tomorrow morning. I am hoping all evidence of this day is long gone by morning.